Compliments improve profitability
The air was buzzing with excitement as we burst out of the assembly. School was out, exams were over and 6 glorious weeks of holidays had just started.
Mum and Dad hadn't got there in time for the prize giving so they were waiting outside. I spotted the car under the trees, raced over and leapt in the back seat.
"I've been accredited" I burst out and handed over the letter.
"Accredited in what?" my father asked.
"University Entrance" I said. "I don't have to sit the exams to go to university"
My father opened the letter and grunted "good, but what happened in English? 54%. That's not good enough. You'll never do any good at university if you can't do English"
Shit I thought. I've fallen for it again. I'd made so many notes to self about falling into this trap. The only safe option was to never let him see me excited, but I always did, and every time I hated myself.
Every time I shared what I thought was a success with my father he'd feel duty bound to remind me about complacency. If he thought there was some merit in my success he'd say 'good' followed invariably, with 'but you need to do better...'
A great work ethic but not a strong self belief
At about the age of 40 I realised that repetitions of this situation had given me a great work ethic, but not a strong self believe. I'd become a persistent worker, but not what I perceived to be successful. I began to see how my efforts had not been rewarded because of a faulty belief. True success hadn't been a core intention because it contradicted another belief, that I'm good at working. "If I was successful I wouldn't need to work so hard. Then I wouldn't be doing what I've come to believe as what I'm good at!"
That learning has changed my life. It has enabled me to see my successes, every day. I now take a long time perspective steadily banking successes rather than striving for success. And it has enabled me to help hundreds of people move from survival to thrival over the past 10 years.
Compare the story above with my friend Alan. He's a professor, head of a department for the University of Auckland and travels the world for the World Health Organisation. He works in his chosen vocation several days a week and has numerous PHD students hanging on his every word. Alan is hugely respected all around the world.
In every conversation he slips in lines like;
"What I liked about that meeting was the way everyone ... and that includes you I might add."
"He's very good at ... a bit like you."
"That conversation was inspiring because ... which is what I like about you."
"I like the way you..."
Alan speaks in a calm voice and never feels a need to qualify his opinion. He's forthright with his opinion on occasions and raises tough questions, but always after he understands the deeper issues being discussed. Once people know he generously gives unconditional compliments he is perceived as caring and genuinely interested in helping people move to a better understanding.
People allow Alan to lead them
Alan is a man I aspire to be more like.
How many unconditional compliments do you give away every day?